Let's Start A New Contest

I need a title for my column each week and I can't think of one. Go figure. I am going to start holding a contest to see if anyone can come up with a good title for my column. I will keep a running tab for who gets the most used titles. We'll do this for a while until I feel it has lost its fun. Keep in mind it has to be clean, appropriate and relevant. I don't have a prize yet, but I'll come up with something between now and then. Here we go...

This Labor Day Weekend will be a relaxing one for me because I have plans to go to the University of Texas Longhorn football game on Saturday with my mom, uncle and James, a college buddy of mine. Don’t be confused though, not a single one of us have ever attended UT.
Let’s go through the rules of being a fan really quick. To be a fan of a professional sports team, certain things must apply. You must have lived or currently be living in the city of your favorite team. If you do not live in a city with a sports team you must then find the closest team available. An exception to the first rule is if you inherited the love of the team from an immediate family member. If your father was a Packers fan, then it is okay for you to be a Packers fan, only because you grew up watching Lombardi lead the Cheese Heads to five championships. Thus, you are ushered in as an honorary fan.
The only other possible way of being a fan of a team you have no connection with is if you have a family member or close personal friend who is a player or coach on the team. This exempts you from the two previous rules and allows you to have a say in what the fans want during the season.
Now that we have cleared this up, the rules are basically the same for college teams. The only difference is instead of living in the city, you must have attended the college for at least one semester. If you went to more than one college, then it is acceptable to be a fan of both teams. Exemptions to this rule include Catholics are allowed to root for Notre Dame and Mormons can cheer on Brigham Young University.
This said, I should repeat that none of the ones going to the game on Saturday have ever enrolled in a class on the Austin campus. My friend and I attended Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches. My mom attended only a semester at a local junior college. The closest any of us came was myself taking an on-line course in journalism made available by the university and my uncle being accepted by UT but then was drafted to Vietnam and was never again given the opportunity to be a Longhorn.
However, all my life I remember burnt orange being all around me, my index finger and pinky extended during “The Eyes of Texas” and a mysterious infatuation with the name Bevo. In fact, I have heard stories about my uncle decorating his wedding reception with burnt orange. Even my cousin named his first child after Major Applewhite. That’s a bit excessive, isn’t it? Where did my family get this innate, uncompromising admiration for the fighting Longhorns?
From my understanding of the family history, my grandfather randomly picked the University of Texas as the college team he was going to root for during football season, but it was my uncle, his son, who took the love of orange much deeper. He is such a fan that he has shattered a television screen from throwing the remote control at it due to a poor play by the offense. No lie.
My mom is also a big fan of the team and my brother is really into college sports and follows the Longhorns religiously. I don’t understand it. We aren’t in compliance with the rules of fandom. We are supposed to cheer for either the Lumberjacks or the Mavericks, which are the mascots of SFA and the University of Texas at Arlington.
Some would consider the University of Texas at Arlington a branch of the UT system, which gives merit to being a fan for the Longhorns. Here is why it wouldn’t. UTA has its own mascot and different colors. The Mavericks are blue and white, not orange and white. Sure, UTA publishes a school paper called the Shorthorn and the students who wish to attend UT someday think they are little Longhorns themselves by enrolling at UTA, but they’re not.
When Saturday rolls around I will be yelling until my lungs bleed to kick Louisiana-Lafayette Rajin’ Cajuns’ tail on the field along with everyone else in the stadium, but in the back of my mind I will be wondering why I care so much for a team I have no emotional bond with.