I came across this from Gordon Keith today and thought it was great. Laughed a lot.
This instant-messaging stuff drives me crazy
By Gordon Keith
As part of my recovery, I must admit that I am the worst e-mail, IM, text message, phone-sex talker ever.
[Instant-message exchange]
GQuick: What' RU doin?
mdog22: nothing.
GQuick: whaz up?
mdog22: yeah?
GQuick: what RU wairin'?
mdog22: suit and tie.
GQuick: ooh dresed as man. I like that, baby.
mdogg22: I'm a man. My name is Mark Dogg, assistant district attorney.
GQuick: Sorry. wrong IM name. I feel horrible. This is Gordon Keith of Quick, please keep me anonymous. Oh, Gosh.
[E-mail exchange]
Betty: Hey Gordon. I liked your article on school finance.
Gordon: So did I. you sound pretty hot ...
Betty: My husband thinks so.
Gordon: [ignoring her nouns] why don't you send a pic
Betty: here it is. This is me holding our youngest son at his christening last month.
Gordon: wow, nice rack. Too bad that baby is in the way. Here's a pic of me.
Betty: ... well, I like your back yard. Is that a ball gag you are wearing? I take it you don't wear briefs.
Gordon: Thanks for the compliments. That's a lamp I'm using on myself. Wanna have lunch?
Betty: Actually I just lost mine.
Gordon: really? did you eat your food real hard for me.
Betty: I don't think you understood me.
Gordon: EPDAGR...
Betty: What?
Gordon: Easing Pants Down And Getting Ready
Betty: Freak! I am contacting your boss!
Gordon: Please don't! Oh my gosh, I am sorry! I misread this so badly! You sounded totally into it.
[Phone call]
Gordon: Hello?
Quick editor: Gordon, we need to talk.
Gordon: About what?
Quick editor: I've received several e-mails from readers and a couple of calls from cops about some unwanted conversations you've had with people that have bordered on threatening.
Gordon: I really don't know what you are talking about. And that Rachel girl is crazy.
Quick editor: Who is Rachel? Listen, I don't want to argue about it. You are on probation for one month.
Gordon: Hey, look, if I have been a bad boy, then I should be punished. Are you all dressed up as an editor right now? Hello?
[Dial tone]
Friday, June 08, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Disney Strikes Again
I have never known a production company like Disney to so consistently manufacture such delightful movies that are then followed up with lackluster, embarrassing sequels.
“Cinderella,” “Bambi,” “101 Dalmatians,” “The Little Mermaid,” “Aladdin,” “The Lion King.” These are all great movies from our youth that have entertained multiple generations and stood the test of time.
“Cinderella II: Dreams Come True,” “Cinderella III: A Twist in Time,” “Bambi II,” 101 Dalmatians II: Patch’s London Adventure,” “The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea,” “Return of Jafar,” “Aladdin and the King of Thieves,” “The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride,” “The Lion King 1 1/2.” What a waste of time and money for everyone these straight-to-video releases are.
The “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy is another example of Disney cashing an enormous paycheck and laughing all the way home while giving little regard to the quality of work they had established with “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” is a blundering mess of a movie filled with lackluster action and a convoluted story of characters continually making and breaking multiple deals with the collection of pirates, monsters and bureaucrats the producers and writers have created and not been able to get rid of.
In the third, and possibly final (nobody knows for sure), installment Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) leads a crew, including Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) and other familiar faces, to fetch back Captain Jack Sparrow from Davy Jones’ Locker. Chow Yun-Fat joins the cast as Chinese pirate Captain Sao Feng, but adds nothing to the film except an easy way out for the writers to move the story along to a point that they can place the characters they need in the spot they need them.
Beyond a handful of scenes showcasing Johnny Depp’s prowess as an actor and his comfort in the role of Sparrow, the entire movie left me uninterested, confused and questioning who would find any of this almost three-hour tripe interesting. I think I even heard a few 8-year-olds in front of me question how much longer was left, which isn’t a good sign.
Nothing about the special effects is remarkable or original and the audience is left wondering whom to root for as allegiances are tested and relationships are questioned. The set pieces are rather disappointing, if not shamefully absurd.
However, of all that is wrong with this movie, which is quite a lot if you haven’t figured it out, the worst part is the writers’ complete disregard for physics and realistic combat. Viewing Sparrow and Davy Jones clash swords while they easily balance on a ship’s beam while the boat rocks back and forth in a whirlpool doesn’t get the entertaining response wished for, but instead begs me to ask, “Are these guys seriously wanting me to ignore the laws of gravity and other sound science simply to be amused?”
For entertainment purposes I will accept a curse that can turn pirates into the walking dead or a captain that will cut out his heart after being scorned in love and become commissioned to the seas forever as his penance, but what I will not tolerate is that a person can swing above a ship’s deck high among the sails, fight others who have somehow ended up in this unlikely situation of playing Tarzan while a colossal battle is taking place below and then casually land ready to pick up the fight again. Curses and black magic is one thing I will suspend disbelief for, but unrealistic fights and ludicrous action sets I will not.
“At World’s End” lacks the breathtaking action, laugh-out-loud comedy and mind-blowing spectacle “Curse of the Black Pearl” delivered several years ago. It is just a continuation of the downward spiral Disney is taking with this series.
Walt Disney said it best: “I’ve never believed in doing sequels. I didn’t want to waste the time I have doing a sequel; I’d rather be using that time doing something new and different.”
The world was a better place when he was here.
“Cinderella,” “Bambi,” “101 Dalmatians,” “The Little Mermaid,” “Aladdin,” “The Lion King.” These are all great movies from our youth that have entertained multiple generations and stood the test of time.
“Cinderella II: Dreams Come True,” “Cinderella III: A Twist in Time,” “Bambi II,” 101 Dalmatians II: Patch’s London Adventure,” “The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea,” “Return of Jafar,” “Aladdin and the King of Thieves,” “The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride,” “The Lion King 1 1/2.” What a waste of time and money for everyone these straight-to-video releases are.
The “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy is another example of Disney cashing an enormous paycheck and laughing all the way home while giving little regard to the quality of work they had established with “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.”
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” is a blundering mess of a movie filled with lackluster action and a convoluted story of characters continually making and breaking multiple deals with the collection of pirates, monsters and bureaucrats the producers and writers have created and not been able to get rid of.
In the third, and possibly final (nobody knows for sure), installment Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) leads a crew, including Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) and other familiar faces, to fetch back Captain Jack Sparrow from Davy Jones’ Locker. Chow Yun-Fat joins the cast as Chinese pirate Captain Sao Feng, but adds nothing to the film except an easy way out for the writers to move the story along to a point that they can place the characters they need in the spot they need them.
Beyond a handful of scenes showcasing Johnny Depp’s prowess as an actor and his comfort in the role of Sparrow, the entire movie left me uninterested, confused and questioning who would find any of this almost three-hour tripe interesting. I think I even heard a few 8-year-olds in front of me question how much longer was left, which isn’t a good sign.
Nothing about the special effects is remarkable or original and the audience is left wondering whom to root for as allegiances are tested and relationships are questioned. The set pieces are rather disappointing, if not shamefully absurd.
However, of all that is wrong with this movie, which is quite a lot if you haven’t figured it out, the worst part is the writers’ complete disregard for physics and realistic combat. Viewing Sparrow and Davy Jones clash swords while they easily balance on a ship’s beam while the boat rocks back and forth in a whirlpool doesn’t get the entertaining response wished for, but instead begs me to ask, “Are these guys seriously wanting me to ignore the laws of gravity and other sound science simply to be amused?”
For entertainment purposes I will accept a curse that can turn pirates into the walking dead or a captain that will cut out his heart after being scorned in love and become commissioned to the seas forever as his penance, but what I will not tolerate is that a person can swing above a ship’s deck high among the sails, fight others who have somehow ended up in this unlikely situation of playing Tarzan while a colossal battle is taking place below and then casually land ready to pick up the fight again. Curses and black magic is one thing I will suspend disbelief for, but unrealistic fights and ludicrous action sets I will not.
“At World’s End” lacks the breathtaking action, laugh-out-loud comedy and mind-blowing spectacle “Curse of the Black Pearl” delivered several years ago. It is just a continuation of the downward spiral Disney is taking with this series.
Walt Disney said it best: “I’ve never believed in doing sequels. I didn’t want to waste the time I have doing a sequel; I’d rather be using that time doing something new and different.”
The world was a better place when he was here.
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